Parenting is Hard. Parenting is Awesome.
Today we are going on day 5 of being in our house during a really cold, wet, and icy winter snap here in the Northeast. The sky has been gray for days with a small little exception yesterday morning. The sun surprised me as it came pouring into my house. My face turned towards it, immediately drawn to its warm and buttery glow. Our calendar was jammed this week. Small groups, meetings, counseling sessions, music practices, dinner and lunch engagements. All canceled due to weather. Because, this is winter. An unpredictable season of often times forced stillness. There is a sense of tension for me in Winter. I need the schedule to loosen up a bit. I know that I need rest. I push myself till I am exhausted so much, but I am also the happiest when I am busy and with people. I love being outside, I love the interactions and the planning and the eating around a table together. I love time with family too, but you can only play so many rounds of Candyland, nerf wars and Wii sport before you want to cry and go into a fetal position in your closet and suck your thumb. About an hour ago, my brother and sister sent me a picture of themselves, tan and beaming, on their way to a fun lunch out. They are in Florida. And they are wearing short sleeves, sporting sunglasses with the windows down. The nerve! They laughed at me when I called them and told them that I was on the treadmill. For the second time that day. I told them that the next big thing on my calendar was doing the laundry and maybe walking on the treadmill again. They looked at each other, threw their heads back and laughed at me obnoxiously like two snotty prep kids in 80's movies. (jerks)
The treadmill...yes. That's where I thought about writing this. *side note: I do my best singing and my best thinking on that treadmill. My family disagrees about the singing... they tell me that I am singing too loud and off-key but I ignore them because...headphones and also...what do they really know?**
Today on the treadmill, my my heart was pouring out prayers for my kid. My middle kid. She has actually been on my heart for a while. She and I are very different. She is so much like her daddy (which is why I am sure with all of our many differences I like her so darn much). She is loyal and kind. She is talented and wise. She is trustworthy and a hard worker. She has the best laugh in the whole world and can make me laugh like no one else can. But, she isn't just these things. She is also moody and hard to read. She is easily disappointed because of her high expectations. She gets really quiet too at times and I can annoy her BIG TIME when I try to cheer her up, talk it through, or pep talk her. She is in a season right now that resembles a bit of winter. Forced stillness. Growth happening, but deep work. It has been uncomfortable for her and it has made navigating her through hard for Rob and me. We don't really know how to do this well and because we love her so much we just want to fix it all and we know that we can't. Winter is limiting. Things are happening with her and the Lord that must happen. He is doing work in her, but we haven't done this with her before.
Let's be totally honest. Parenting is hard. In every season. It is also awesome. I don't think it has to be one of the other and it rarely is. It's hard and it's awesome. Different ages bring awesome things and hard things. Sometimes in the same day this can happen. And it stretches you. I don't believe for one millisecond that anyone that is parenting ever thinks that they have it all figured out and that they are nailing it. I just don't. Maybe something works and you give yourself a inward high-five but always lingering in the back of your mind is the knowledge that you are going to be leveled pretty soon by something with your kids and that you will totally blow it. You bring that newborn home and you read all the things about getting them on a sleep schedule and then two weeks later they have a growth spurt and you are crying all day because they are never sleeping. That kind of thing. That is parenting all the way through. We got through the pre-teen years and we were feeling like we could maybe write some parenting articles about it and BAM, we got gob-smacked in the face with the hormones of teenagers. Got through the teenage years and now we are navigating having an almost adult and we are feeling like TOTALLY green. No clue. Asking for advice still. Praying a lot and crying during the day. Still. Parenting is hard. Parenting is awesome.
The teen years are awesome for so many reasons. I really mean it. I love having teenagers in my house. I love the activity and the camaraderie. I love watching movies and talking about boys. I love shopping trips, coffee dates and talking about life with them around the dinner table. But, the teen years have a tough dynamic that the years of sleepless nights, diapers, potty training, and picky eaters don't have. That is, for parents, there are relatively NO resources like "What to expect when your child becomes a teenager". There are countless blogs and books and websites dedicating to young moms and dads from the time they find out they are expecting, but these teen years can be difficult to navigate with little to no help. There are so many days raising teens that I feel that same feeling I had in the hospital when the nurses put me in the car with a hospital bag full of diapers, formula and pamphlets and said, "You'll be great!" and I forced a smile and put two thumbs up.
So, as I was walking on the treadmill today going nowhere and feeling tired, praying and worried about Morgan, I thought of how much of a novice I still am. Even after being a mom for 20 years. How much I still needed to learn and lean on the Holy Spirit and God's Word. I wondered how many moms and dads feel like Rob and I do. How many moms and dad's pray each night for their kids like we do. How many of them sometimes lay their heads on their pillows at night like we do, wondering if they too are totally blowing it. How many date nights are spent trying to help each other figure out what to do next. What to say, what not to say. When to motivate them, when to shut up. I will admit to you and to anyone who will listen that I am still a student of this parenting process. I have a nagging feeling that I always will be.
We talk about a lot in this house. We talk a lot. Rob and I were encouraged early on in our marriage to talk things out. Respectfully. We even made the girls hold hands and take a walk when they would fight until they could talk to each other without killing the other. Our house rule is that the only bad communication is NO communication. So, we talk about ALL the things even when we don't want to, because when we listen to each other, we learn. We grow. We admit in these moment of talking and listening that we don't know how to do relationships of any kind well and it helps create grace. We do this with our kids too. At every stage and in all seasons. Even the six year old.
So, I asked my girl today to write down some things for me that I needed her to teach me. This isn't the first time she has had to help me with these things, but she is patient with me and our differences. I am so thankful. With her permission, I am sharing them with you today. This was something we decided to do together. Maybe your teenager is not like our Mo. More than likely they are not because we raised two girls 25 months apart and they are like night and day. Sam and I were observing the ice crystals climb up the glass on our window yesterday and we were talking about how cool it is that every snowflake is different. So, goes the unique design of the people in your home. But, we thought that maybe you will find some nugget in here that might help you navigate this season, or maybe you will just scratch your head like I did at some of these and know that I need your prayers to love her well in this season. Either way, it is a win and I'm so glad she was willing to share it.
Grace and Peace, fellow moms and dads.
We don't got this...but thank God...He's got us.
Here you go...Morgan's note to me:
1.This is a lonely season. Even if I have people in my life. Branching out is intimidating because of insecurities and anxiety. I am often afraid of rejection and judgment so that is why I like spending time with the same friends and don't make new friends easily.
2. I am introverted. That doesn't mean that I hate people or that I am purposefully being a stinker.
3. Sometimes, I just want time alone, but that isn't because I am depressed or moody. Sometimes I need a break from people and it can be really refreshing for me. I need you to create some space for this for me.
4. There are times that I need a good push, but there are also times that I need to make my own decisions. I know this is hard to figure out, but I need you to ask more questions.
5. If I don't want to talk, please don't push me. The frustration might be fresh and I need time until I am ready to talk about it. This many not mean that I want to be alone. Could you let me know that you are there when I am ready to talk, spend time with me and I promise that I will talk when I am ready.
6. I need one-on-one time with you when I am feeling lonely. Ask me questions. Give me attention. I might give you the impression that I don't want it, but I do. Even if I give you one-word answers.
7.The future is exciting for me and also gives me anxiety. Anything new makes me feel this way. I need time to you and the freedom to express that to you without fear of you trying to fix it.
8. My insecurity is crippling. I can feel like I am not good enough, pretty enough, talented enough and that can wreck my whole mentality. Insecurity haunts me every day. Keep pointing me to Jesus. Keep talking to me about His love.
9. Shaming doesn't motivate me. Encouragement does. If I need to do something, I will be much more willing to do it if I am not feeling shamed.
10. Things I love, like leading worship or spending time with people in church, can be intimidating for me. It is hard for you to understand why I have a lot of anxiety over something that I love, but I am working through this. Continue to pray for me in this.
The treadmill...yes. That's where I thought about writing this. *side note: I do my best singing and my best thinking on that treadmill. My family disagrees about the singing... they tell me that I am singing too loud and off-key but I ignore them because...headphones and also...what do they really know?**
Today on the treadmill, my my heart was pouring out prayers for my kid. My middle kid. She has actually been on my heart for a while. She and I are very different. She is so much like her daddy (which is why I am sure with all of our many differences I like her so darn much). She is loyal and kind. She is talented and wise. She is trustworthy and a hard worker. She has the best laugh in the whole world and can make me laugh like no one else can. But, she isn't just these things. She is also moody and hard to read. She is easily disappointed because of her high expectations. She gets really quiet too at times and I can annoy her BIG TIME when I try to cheer her up, talk it through, or pep talk her. She is in a season right now that resembles a bit of winter. Forced stillness. Growth happening, but deep work. It has been uncomfortable for her and it has made navigating her through hard for Rob and me. We don't really know how to do this well and because we love her so much we just want to fix it all and we know that we can't. Winter is limiting. Things are happening with her and the Lord that must happen. He is doing work in her, but we haven't done this with her before.
Let's be totally honest. Parenting is hard. In every season. It is also awesome. I don't think it has to be one of the other and it rarely is. It's hard and it's awesome. Different ages bring awesome things and hard things. Sometimes in the same day this can happen. And it stretches you. I don't believe for one millisecond that anyone that is parenting ever thinks that they have it all figured out and that they are nailing it. I just don't. Maybe something works and you give yourself a inward high-five but always lingering in the back of your mind is the knowledge that you are going to be leveled pretty soon by something with your kids and that you will totally blow it. You bring that newborn home and you read all the things about getting them on a sleep schedule and then two weeks later they have a growth spurt and you are crying all day because they are never sleeping. That kind of thing. That is parenting all the way through. We got through the pre-teen years and we were feeling like we could maybe write some parenting articles about it and BAM, we got gob-smacked in the face with the hormones of teenagers. Got through the teenage years and now we are navigating having an almost adult and we are feeling like TOTALLY green. No clue. Asking for advice still. Praying a lot and crying during the day. Still. Parenting is hard. Parenting is awesome.
The teen years are awesome for so many reasons. I really mean it. I love having teenagers in my house. I love the activity and the camaraderie. I love watching movies and talking about boys. I love shopping trips, coffee dates and talking about life with them around the dinner table. But, the teen years have a tough dynamic that the years of sleepless nights, diapers, potty training, and picky eaters don't have. That is, for parents, there are relatively NO resources like "What to expect when your child becomes a teenager". There are countless blogs and books and websites dedicating to young moms and dads from the time they find out they are expecting, but these teen years can be difficult to navigate with little to no help. There are so many days raising teens that I feel that same feeling I had in the hospital when the nurses put me in the car with a hospital bag full of diapers, formula and pamphlets and said, "You'll be great!" and I forced a smile and put two thumbs up.
So, as I was walking on the treadmill today going nowhere and feeling tired, praying and worried about Morgan, I thought of how much of a novice I still am. Even after being a mom for 20 years. How much I still needed to learn and lean on the Holy Spirit and God's Word. I wondered how many moms and dads feel like Rob and I do. How many moms and dad's pray each night for their kids like we do. How many of them sometimes lay their heads on their pillows at night like we do, wondering if they too are totally blowing it. How many date nights are spent trying to help each other figure out what to do next. What to say, what not to say. When to motivate them, when to shut up. I will admit to you and to anyone who will listen that I am still a student of this parenting process. I have a nagging feeling that I always will be.
We talk about a lot in this house. We talk a lot. Rob and I were encouraged early on in our marriage to talk things out. Respectfully. We even made the girls hold hands and take a walk when they would fight until they could talk to each other without killing the other. Our house rule is that the only bad communication is NO communication. So, we talk about ALL the things even when we don't want to, because when we listen to each other, we learn. We grow. We admit in these moment of talking and listening that we don't know how to do relationships of any kind well and it helps create grace. We do this with our kids too. At every stage and in all seasons. Even the six year old.
"Teach us. Help us understand what we don't see or what we don't understand. Talk to me."
They aren't surprised that we need answers. They can tell we don't know what we are doing. And it makes them feel like they don't need to have it all together either and so there is this understanding between us that we all need mercy and grace from each other and ultimately from our gracious and merciful God. It's good.
More than anything, I will say that being willing to listen to my kids and learn from them is a humbling but fruitful practice. One that I am willing to say is that best thing I have done. Keeps me soft and yielding to the work of the Spirit.
So, I asked my girl today to write down some things for me that I needed her to teach me. This isn't the first time she has had to help me with these things, but she is patient with me and our differences. I am so thankful. With her permission, I am sharing them with you today. This was something we decided to do together. Maybe your teenager is not like our Mo. More than likely they are not because we raised two girls 25 months apart and they are like night and day. Sam and I were observing the ice crystals climb up the glass on our window yesterday and we were talking about how cool it is that every snowflake is different. So, goes the unique design of the people in your home. But, we thought that maybe you will find some nugget in here that might help you navigate this season, or maybe you will just scratch your head like I did at some of these and know that I need your prayers to love her well in this season. Either way, it is a win and I'm so glad she was willing to share it.
Grace and Peace, fellow moms and dads.
We don't got this...but thank God...He's got us.
Here you go...Morgan's note to me:
1.This is a lonely season. Even if I have people in my life. Branching out is intimidating because of insecurities and anxiety. I am often afraid of rejection and judgment so that is why I like spending time with the same friends and don't make new friends easily.
2. I am introverted. That doesn't mean that I hate people or that I am purposefully being a stinker.
3. Sometimes, I just want time alone, but that isn't because I am depressed or moody. Sometimes I need a break from people and it can be really refreshing for me. I need you to create some space for this for me.
4. There are times that I need a good push, but there are also times that I need to make my own decisions. I know this is hard to figure out, but I need you to ask more questions.
5. If I don't want to talk, please don't push me. The frustration might be fresh and I need time until I am ready to talk about it. This many not mean that I want to be alone. Could you let me know that you are there when I am ready to talk, spend time with me and I promise that I will talk when I am ready.
6. I need one-on-one time with you when I am feeling lonely. Ask me questions. Give me attention. I might give you the impression that I don't want it, but I do. Even if I give you one-word answers.
7.The future is exciting for me and also gives me anxiety. Anything new makes me feel this way. I need time to you and the freedom to express that to you without fear of you trying to fix it.
8. My insecurity is crippling. I can feel like I am not good enough, pretty enough, talented enough and that can wreck my whole mentality. Insecurity haunts me every day. Keep pointing me to Jesus. Keep talking to me about His love.
9. Shaming doesn't motivate me. Encouragement does. If I need to do something, I will be much more willing to do it if I am not feeling shamed.
10. Things I love, like leading worship or spending time with people in church, can be intimidating for me. It is hard for you to understand why I have a lot of anxiety over something that I love, but I am working through this. Continue to pray for me in this.
This is so, so valuable. Thank you both, as always, for being willing to be vulnerable. I love you both.
ReplyDeleteWow.... thank you for sharing.
ReplyDelete