Noisy gongs and clanging cymbals

Huddled together on our couch, we have been digesting with our children the relevant truths of this important passage of scripture every night. Taking it apart. Trying to live it. As we listen to these commands individually, each night we have walked away from the mirror of God's word humbled by our actions and repentive in our spirit. I am wrecked by the great love I have for myself and the play I find myself the lead in. To the Lord's ears I sound muffled. Annoying. Loud. I can have the greatest of wisdom, but without love I am nothing. It is not an emotion. Not intentional sacrificial love.

I Corinthians 13

"Love is patient."

Patient. When I have expectations. Needs. Desires. Feelings. Plans. Deadlines. Opinions.

"Love is kind."

Kind. When you hurt me. When you disappoint me. When you talk too much. When you leave your wet laundry in a pile on the carpeted floor. When you expect too much. When you aren't there. When your needs are...needy.

"Love does not envy."

Envy. When you have something that I want. When you get that which I feel I deserve. When you are promoted, praised, congratulated, blessed, pretty, pregnant, married, single, wealthy, happy.

"It does not boast."

Boast. When I just want you to know who I am. What I've done. What I've seen. What accomplishments I have made.  What areas I have "mastered". What I've learned. Who I know. How much I have aquired.

"It is not arrogant."

Arrogant. When I want you to see who I am. How talented. How wise. How important. How relevant. When I desire to be understood more than I desire to understand.

"Or rude."

Rude. When you get in my way. When you hurt my feelings. When you don't listen. When you reject me. When you cut me off. When you hurt me with your gossip. When you withhold affection from me. When you intentionally insult me.

"It does not insist on its own way."

My way. When you just won't listen. When I know better. When you reject my advice. When you walk away from Truth. 

"It is not irritable"

Irritable. When I just need five minutes. When you talk about yourself.  When you don't meet my expectations. When no one does. When I am tired. When I am hungry. When I am weary.

"Or resentful"

Resentful. When you recieved that one thing that I have desired more than anything. When you talked about me. When I know you hate me and desire my destruction. When you have wrong me.

"It does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices with the truth."

Rejoices. Wanting your best even if you desire my worst. Wanting your best even when its what my heart longs for. Excited for you without thought to myself and my needs.

"Love BEARS all things. BELIEVES all things. HOPES all things."

Without judgment. Without recourse. Genuine desire for your best. Even when you hurt me, reject me, belittle me, look better than me, take advantage of me, lie to me, turn on me and withhold affection from me.

"Love never ends."

"If I speak in the tounges of men and of angels and have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal."