If a picture paints a thousand words...

Here is a picture of Rob and me on our 20th wedding anniversary. Here you see two people who are genuinely happy to be together, genuinely wanting to capture the moment after an incredibly nice dinner provided to us from generous friends. When I look at this picture in another 20 years from now, I hope that I remember that at the end of our meal, we looked at each other, wiped our faces, sat back in our chairs, sighed deeply, and agreed that this was the best dinner either of us had ever eaten. I hope I will remember snapping this pic after sitting for what felt like a long time at our candle-lit table, that overlooked Mirror Lake in Lake Placid with a crystal clear backdrop of the gorgeous high peaks of the Adirondacks behind it. I want to remember that we were down-right giddy to be alone together after thinking for weeks that we wouldn't be getting away because the hard-saved money we had set aside for our special anniversary was spent getting a brand new alternator and new tires on our van. We had resigned to just do a nice dinner, but a quick look at our rewards showed us that we actually could get a free night away. It was like winning the lottery! The smiles are real. We were really happy when we took this picture. No lie. We were hugging and laughing, reliving some wonderful memories of our engagement up there. That is what I hope I will remember whenever I see this picture. I want to remember the surprise 20th anniversary blessing from God.

I'm sure you have heard the idiom "a picture paints a thousand words", meaning that an idea that is too complex to explain can be conveyed in a single still image or that the image itself does a better job of explaining its complexity than a mere description does. I can argue that point because as much as I love this picture and the remembrance of the events of that night, the truth is a picture doesn't paint a thousand words.

 Perhaps our smiling faces tell you the story that we are blissful in our happiness always. That we never struggle to be married, never worry or cry or feel slighted or abandoned by each other. Maybe this smiling picture tells you the story that 2O years as man and wife has been easy and all fun. I don't really know what this picture tells you, but I can promise you that this picture and the hundreds of pictures that we have taken over the 23 years we have been together only tell a part of our story. The pictures that fill my photo albums are the part that we like to remember and like to share. The pictures really happened and the events in about 80 percent of them were real events that really took place and the smiles (for the most part, minus a few, "smile and I will give you candy!) are genuine. These pictures serve as a living diary of sorts... of memories frozen in time to look back on and to remember with gladness.

But, this picture, and most pictures from our life together, only tell part of our story.
There is actually another memory that will accompany this picture, and I hope I remember that part too, because it makes the memory a little more real and a lot sweeter. Unless you are close and intimate friends you could never guess the feelings and the memories it invokes.

In the future, when I look at this picture from our 20th wedding anniversary, I hope that I not only remember the blessing of this get-away, but that I also remember why the we felt so celebratory. I hope I remember that the year leading up to this moment had been hard. We were feeling the stress of a year of being apart a lot, walking through the grief of the cancer invading my mom's body on the heels of a year of counseling  Rob went through for ministry burnout (which looked like walking with him through the unmarked path of anxiety and panic attacks), the sudden loss of my uncle, a myriad of different weird health issues for me, making emotional, mental and even physical space for my brother whose wife was walking away from his marriage, and the daily highs and lows of life and full-time ministry. This year also looked like trying to prepare our hearts as our oldest daughter was graduating high school.

If you are reading this, I can imagine some of you might look at the last year and say, "that's nothing compared to what I went through!". I have walked through some really hard things with others this year enough to say to you that you might be completely right. I am just saying that for us, this was a hard year. One that we often don't stop and allow ourself the permission to qualify.

 I came up for air about two months after my mom's diagnosis turned out to be a real miracle story instead of the three-6 months the doctors gave her,  and we were able to go back to our "normal". It didn't take long for us to discover though, that weren't walking in unity as a couple. Our stressful year had taken a toll on us and we didn't even know it until we were experiencing it.  This realization was slow-learned, but we realized it together and we grieved that we were in a place where we were frustrated, angry, hurt and totally not communicating.

We dedicated at the beginning of our marriage that no matter how hard it is, we would push through the awkwardness of sharing the things we were feeling and thinking with each other. This takes time because there is little space in our world right now for a lot of alone time but, we took it when we could, and we prayed and asked God to help us even though it still seemed that every conversation left us more "off".  Slowly, slowly, slowly we fell back into synch after some really hard conversations, a steady amount of truth from His Word and plenty of journal writing (me). It wasn't one big conversation, it was a good many little ones of listening and talking and sharing and even some crying, but eventually the cloud began to lift and clarity filled our space. There was a tremendous amount of patience and long-suffering on Rob's part for me, and to this I praise God. He told me he was committed to me in this and that showed me (again) that I have so much to be thankful for. I know this is not the reality for everyone. I was humbled by his patience with me.

 So, this little trip away together came at just the right time for us to celebrate coming through it. I hope that I remember that this picture was taken at the end of a really hard season as a couple but that we leaned in to each other and into Him. I hope I remember that it was a real celebration for us and we were hugging each other really tight because it is downright miserable when marriage is difficult but a real sweetness when it is good. Looking at this picture and thinking of what I will remember from this year spurred on thoughts about our life together in general.

There is so much more to our story than various forms of smiling pictures from our 23 years together. As much as I want to bask in the glow of the happy memories, I also don't want to forget the other parts of our story. There are parts we didn't document, but that are a real vital part of what makes us...us. I am not afraid of the messy parts. I know that the messy parts are real life and that marriage is a sanctifying work just like any relationship is. Marriage, like the Church family, is a tool of God to help us see our sin and to see other people's sin and to fall on the mercy, grace and and fondness of Christ in our broken state. It is a wonderful part of our story and one of the great points of the big Story.

Over the course of our 20 year marriage, we didn't take any pictures of our faces after angry things were said to each other. We didn't take pictures of my puffy eyes in the morning after going to bed crying. We didn't take any pictures of the times we held hands while we fought because we were afraid the other was going to leave. We didn't take pictures of the sleepless nights where I wrapped my arms and my legs around him as he wept and struggled to pray to a God that he felt wasn't listening.  We didn't take pictures of the emergency room and the doctor's offices where we learned that another one of our babies didn't live. We didn't take pictures of the scenes that accompany panic attacks and anxiety. We didn't take pictures of our little girls in the back seat crying because we were leaving home and our families. We didn't take pictures of our house empty with moving boxes.

No, an obvious vacancy in our family albums are the times we didn't document. Times we were scared, sad or disillusioned with life, with God, and with each other. We didn't take pictures of kneeling by our bed praying for our kids and we didn't take any pictures of the ceiling we were staring at when we lay awake, playing over and over in our minds all the ways we had blown it with them that day.  We take pictures of our kids playing and laughing, but we don't have any pictures of them throwing temper tantrums and slamming doors.
Try as I might to come up with one picture of these scenes and the countless others,  do you know I can't turn up one?
Even the pictures  I have of my three deliveries are from right after my babies are born ( I am VERY thankful for this!! ). Seems we were too busy in the midst of actually bringing a life into the world that we didn't stop to take pictures of labor.

 And that really is it, right? We didn't take pictures of the LABOR.

We didn't take pictures of the labor of our 20 year marriage, but these parts and so many other highs and lows are our story. They birthed things beyond our wildest dreams in us. These moments, along with the wonderfully happy ones are what make up our story. They have changed us and opened us up and they have matured us in areas we didn't even know we needed maturing in. These moments and countless others were where the real work of sanctification happened in our lives.  They are just as much a treasure to me because this work in us is what will live on for eternity. These moments might be just blurred images in my mind, but they are the part of a bigger Story that God is weaving together in our lives for our good and for His glory.  Right now we are in the middle of the "already, not yet". God uses it all to conform us to the image of His Son. Now THAT is a picture that will paint a thousand words and that gives me a reason to celebrate this amazing milestone and to look forward to the next one.

A dear older couple that we love who just two days after our anniversary celebrated their 50th, handed us a card and a little gift bag. In the little gift bag was a bell that said, "Ring for a kiss" and the card read, "It gets better and better!".  With a clear picture of what the last 20 years has brought, and with eternity in view, I smiled.
Honestly?  I can't wait.


"Now God has us where he wants us, with all the time in this world and the next to shower grace and kindness upon us in Christ Jesus. Saving is all his idea, and all his work. All we do is trust him enough to let him do it. It's God's gift from the start to finish! We don't play the major role. If we did, we'd probably go around bragging that we'd done the whole thing! No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving. He creates each of us by Christ Jesus to join him in the work he does, the good work he has gotten ready for us to do, work we had better be doing." Ephesians 2 (The Message)