What being the wife of a Pastor has taught me about worship

 There is always a sense of fear when you put your heart out there transparently as the wife of a pastor. There are many reasons for this fear but more than ever before we are seeing some great strides in giving space and grace for the complexities of being the wife of a pastor or a minister. 

 Many ministries have popped up since the pandemic to give ministry wives and pastor wives resources, cohorts, and a place to safely share but, sadly the statistics still reflect that those who serve beside their husbands in church and ministry often feel the most isolated and are among the loneliest in their churches.  To share openly often doesn't help them because they are misunderstood, blamed for causing dissension, gossiping, or being too sensitive, which further isolates and drives them deeper into the feeling of "otherness" in regards to their place in the body of Christ. 

 Turn on the news or any media platform and you will likely hear of another victim of the abuse of people connected to the Church. This is not God's design and it is not God's heart. We should never call abuse anything other than evil. Evil is hard to define and can't be based solely on behavior. The bible defines evil as destructive and devilish. It mimics the thief who has come to kill and steal and to destroy. Evil is hard to define for us because we must admit to behaving in an evil way at times. In writing on hurt in the church as a pastor's wife, I am  not speaking to this kind of church abuse. The definitions for evil from the Word can be clearly defined as one who is observed to have repeated patterns of harm without sorrow. It is cold, lacks sorrow when someone suffers and is even more than emotional detachment and a deep belief that they free to violate others for the sake of their own good.  This kind of evil must be under the heavy hand of biblical discipline and under the purview of proper authorities that can enact societal law and justice. This type of evil is nothing new as the devil throughout the Church's history has enacted his plan to destroy through people who masquerade as servants of God but who act according to the flesh and the devil.

 While, pastors are the culprit of many of these abuses we see in the Church today, often times we don't give enough attention to the pastor and his family that can suffer the same injustices at the hands of those who we is uniquely called to love serve while also called to hold people accountable to their sin while being employed by these same congregants.  Their entire life is subject to change if a slanderous word of gossip spreads about him. Their children uprooted from friends and home when their dad loses his job to a coup. Wives forced to be vague with friends so that she isn't guilty of the same sin of slander and gossip.

 It is indeed a supernatural effort of mutual submission to the Spirit and to the Word to not become abusers on either side. When a pastor and his family depend on the financial support of those they are called to serve and love while also speaking strongly on the sin that easily devastates communities, homes and personal lives there is a great amount of damage and even abuse that can happened at the hands of a congregation. Evil is not a distinguers of persons and pastors and their families often are victims of gossip, slander and public shame without the biblical process and care that are laid out so clearly in the pastoral epistles. I have heard the stories and I have experienced these evils first hand. It would discourage even the stoutest of hearts. 

In every human relationship, we will most likely endure at times painful and stretching seasons where love is tested and often forged or broken.  I have walked through painful seasons in relationships as I am sure you have. In church ministry specifically it has taught me something eternally valuable. It is how to worship.

These seasons have forced me to ask the question of what I worship, who I am worshiping and why.  

Allowing the Spirit's influence here has brought about in my life in its truest and purest forms, the grace to walk through these hurtful seasons and still love the Church and the ultimate gift of looking a little more like the Son. Praise be to God for His grace as He has held me and  committed to me. 

 

I believe that most of the women who serve as ministry wives of as pastor's wives would tell you that they love the Church. If you have served any length of time in a church body, you know that this has been tested. If they are still serving and belonging to a gathered and numbered body of believers-trust me... they love it. I can tell you that I love the Church. I believe in it because Jesus died for it. I trust the ministry of the body because the Word tells me that its function is God's heart on display and  is a part of the plan to usher in the Kingdom. 

 I love the church and the people in it. 

 God has called us to gather, to love each other and to function as a body for the furtherance of the gospel and to primarily gather to worship Him in unity and in peace. How do we do this as messy people who are admittedly capable of doing harm, even the occasional evil to each other? How do we worship alongside those in the Church who have hurt us with their sin? 

As the wife of a pastor I am not unlike others who gather in a body. I am faced with the task of acknowledging my feelings, but then putting my feelings through the grid of the gospel. This is the job of all believers and modeled throughout the book of Psalms. There are, however,  some significant differences that separate pastor's and ministry wives from others who gather for worship that threatens to make us feel that "otherness" more significantly. We need the gospel to help us know the right steps to follow to honor God, to love our husbands well and to love others while still being authentic worshipers. 

If you interviewed a million wives, whose husband's are pastors all across this country you might get a million different answers as to how they are feeling about the Church. I know that my particular struggles are not linked to where I am, but who I am, so I fear that naming my struggles will look one dimensional, or that the reader will think I am representing everyone.  I thought I would put mine out there to hopefully help those of you who can identify and maybe for some of you who don't too.  Perhaps a look at my struggles will give you grace for someone like me.

My first thought on Sunday morning is for my husband. The light on his side of the bed is always the first one on and he is always in the Word. His first thought is of the people he under-shepherds and he is having his devotions. I hear him sigh when he gets up. I know his burdens. I know how much he loves the Church. I know how much he believes in her.  I know the personal sacrifices that he makes to serve her.  I know the hours that he spends praying and counseling and pouring over scriptures to feed her.  I know his insecurities and areas that he is weak. I hear his prayers for the Holy Spirit to continue to work in him.  I  know the weakness in this man ; the frailty. The brokenness. The discouragement and the joys.  

To then hear him preach the Word with power that I know as a witness comes directly from the Holy Spirit astonishes me every time. When I hear how people are growing, learning and excited  about what they are gleaning from the Spirit through his teaching I rejoice!  I get a front row seat on that and it thrills my heart. I am a witness to the work of the Spirit like few others.

 There is a harsh reality to being the wife of a pastor that is a difficult burden to bear.  In spite of all the of the wonderful things that I hear and get to delight in, I also have to bear witness to the hurtful, critical and often times abusive behavior to him at the hands of the Church. 

It is hard to bear it while loving this man, admiring him and knowing him as well as I do.  There have been multiple instances where I have received the brunt of other's dislike of him.  I have to pass people in the hallway at church, or out in public. I endure the coldness as they pretend not to see me but avoiding eye contact. I have been in the position where I have overheard people whispering about him when they didn't see me.  Many of these same people are those that we prayed for the night before. It feels like a deep betrayal to have people then treating us coldly and with criticism.  

I must also try to sing worship songs about my Savior and His goodness and His grace in the same proximity of those who I am in close enough proximity to see their eyes closed and hands raised and hearing them give hearty " amens" and acknowledge the grace and ministry of Jesus while suffering in many ways at the lack of grace and ministry to us.  

 Where do we put the feelings of hurt and betrayal when those he has spent hours with in counsel, given personal money to, watched their children, visited in the hospital, laughed around our dinner table with, cried with as their loved ones pass, held them at funerals when they just walk away.

 I can see the hurt all over his face when he sees their spot in church empty. Again.  Sometimes, without a word of explanation.  I carry that hurt with him because most of the time we were doing these things together. 

I have to put my feelings somewhere healthy after hearing these same people have spent time with others where instead of breaking bread together in fellowship and praise, have spent this precious time whispering about him behind closed doors, tearing apart his character and questioning his motives.  What do I do with the feelings of injustices and misunderstandings that have turned into character assessments and assassinations . What do you do when you feel voiceless to stand up for someone who has only ever tried to love and care for and sacrifice for the ministry of the Church? What do you do when the one who has fought for them to not suffer evil is now the victim of evil. As the wife of a pastor in these moments, my focus is on the desire to see justice for him. I want an advocate. I want someone to fight for him. Is there something I can do to make them see their sin? What can I say to prove his quality?  Who will stand up for him that won't be questioned as being prejudiced.   I go through a million scenarios in my mind of how to explain things better, or help them understand clearer. Couldn't I just shout it from the rooftops how much it hurts?

Then...

the Spirit whispers for me to remember Jesus.

When I look at Jesus,  I remember my sin. I remember how He loved me at my darkest. I remember how He took the wrath that I justly deserve. I remember that the scriptures say that everyone who was faithful to Him, even those who said that they would rather die with Him before they denied Him, did just that. They ran. They left him.  I remember how easily I do that too...even when I know what He has done for me.  I live in the freedom of His grace and mercy every day and how easily I run to what feels good at the time. How quickly I forget His love is enough and how quickly I abandon all the richness of that love for temporary satisfaction.

I remember that God sees my husband and he sees all of his best attempts at pastoring as filthy rags. God then looks at Jesus and His perfect pastoring, and then Jesus, my husband's lawyer, sitting at the right hand of His father says, "He has my record of perfect righteousness." and God is satisfied. He is like a proud daddy. He is satisfied with Rob because of Jesus.  I remember that my standard for righteousness doesn't meet God's perfection and I am thankful that my husband can preach the Word, believe it, and live it at all because of Jesus.

 When I remember our sin and remember Jesus, my heart begins to beat with thankfulness.  I know that we  are undeserving of love. I am far worse than I would like to believe. Now, as I pass those people on Sunday morning,  as I hear the whispers, see the folded arms, hear how they are speaking of us in their circles, my heart is flooded with remembrance. I have communion right there.  He loves me with steadfastness.  My desire for people to like my husband, appreciate him,  and follow him is what Jesus died for. The sin of  pride and arrogance and the idolatry of self-love are my biggest problems.  When I see myself for how I truly am, there isn't any room left to judge anyone else. What's left in my heart is just thankfulness.  Jesus knew my idolatry and died for the punishment it deserved. He was raised victorious and my position is with Him. My sin was left in that borrowed tomb and left there. Now, instead of the delusion that Rob and I are deserving of admiration and glory, I remember I deserve death.  I am flooded with a compassion and a mercy for the Church that is not coming from me because the truth is that we are the same. My husband, for all of his wonderful qualities, does not deserve their love. He deserves hell.  And the desire for justice for him has not been answered, praise God.  

Jesus took what my husband deserved.

 We all stand guilty and at the mercy of God and covered by His righteousness. 

So, I make intentional effort to forgive and to still show up and to serve because I remember that Jesus did this, does this and will continue to do it forever for me. And when I am in heaven with Him, He will still be serving me and advocating for me and He will be the only one with scars.

The Church is here to make Jesus beautiful, not me.  He is the Savior. If I am looking for people to acknowledge my worth then I am preaching to myself that what God thinks of me isn't enough.   Each thought must be made obedient to Christ. Each thought must go through the grid of the gospel.

As much as I wish the list of my struggles and my sin would start to grow shorter as I grow older, the list actually gets longer. Maybe this is a grace too. I need to see my sin as my biggest problem. It is humbling. It is embarrassing. It is weak. But, it is worship.

Maybe this is the point of  corporate worship after all. To gather together with other messy people who who don't always treat each other with the kindness of Jesus but who stand as grateful recipients of it.

 If the Church continues to be a place where I see my sin then keep me there. Rub me the wrong way. Show me the complexities of my dark heart. This will keep me grateful, humbled and broken before the Lord who deserves all the praise and all the glory.  I  can stand with arms open and heart abandoned. In awe of the One who gave it all.

Pray for me and for your pastor and their wives on Sunday (on Saturday night too), but don't pray that we are given what we deserve.  We deserved eternal death.  Pray instead that we stay thankful for the grace of Jesus. It is our only hope to serve and love the Church.

Much love.