Starving
Several years ago, I had a dear friend whose little man would not eat. He was beyond a picky eater. He literally would not eat. My friend was beside herself with concern and anxiety. Her beautiful little child, whom she loved so much and had nourished in her womb and with her own body for a year was now refusing to eat and she was watching him slowly loose weight. He was literally starving. She took him to the doctor and the doctor would sometimes make things worse by stating the obvious to her. She researched, sought prayer and advice from others, she would work so hard to make meals that her little guy might eat. Still, nothing. She found that the only thing he would eat was sugar. Whipped cream and cotton candy. It was the most frustrating thing and I remember just feeling so frustrated for her and with her. Ultimately, he did eat. He didn't stop being picky, but he did eat. He just decided one day that he wanted to. He began to thrive. He began to grow.
This memory floated back to me today because I was thinking of the ugly things that are in my heart. I have been starving myself again. God provides me with the choicest of food, His life-giving Truth to meet my hunger and my need, and I quickly run to those things that I believe will fulfill me without giving a second thought to the great Provider.
How often I (in a need for control) discard the nourishment that God has provided for me through His word. How often I turn my head (my heart) from His well balanced meal and clench my jaw and slam my lips together. How often I satisfy my needs for nourishment with things that don't actually feed me, but appease me. Sugary food that won't actually give me life-giving nutrients.
I have a dear friend who came to Jesus this year. I meet with her every week. Her desire for the good food is something that I am learning and growing from every time we are together. She has let go of relationships that are holding her back from growing in grace and she has asked the Spirit to change behaviors and even how she thinks about herself. She talks to Him everyday and she reads His Word to find the Truth about herself and about Her God. She has yielded to Christ and her life is blooming. Idolatry has been the main topic of our talks together and she said something to me last night that gave me pause. She spoke of the gentleness of the Spirit. She said she felt like her life was this great closet full of worthless junk. Similar to the closet of a hoarder. Packed with things that she felt would make her feel whole. She explained that the Spirt of God wasn't just ripping these things out of her hand. He knows she would freak. He was offering her Himself and in light of His love, these things display their lack of worth and she is finding herself more and more willing to hand them over to Him. I just LOVED that. I loved the trust there. The gentleness of God. The turning from worthless things. The satisfaction that is found in the love of our Creator. Just awesome.
I had to admit to her and to myself that I so often run to my unbelief that God will satisfy the achey parts of my heart. I believe the lie that other things, the love of people, a change in my circumstances will bring me happiness. I don't just believe it. I sit in the filth of it. I eat the sugary food. I feast on the emptiness.
I am thanking the Spirit today for this memory. As a pastor's wife I am bombarded every day with my sin. Yes, MY sin. It would be easy for me to attach my frustrations to others sin. It would be easy for me to justify myself based on the behavior of other people towards my family and my husband. But, the Word of God tells me that my sin is my greatest problem. I would much rather believe that if my circumstances would change, or if people would just be kinder, that I would be happier. The richness of the Word teaches me that the reason I am weary and anxious at times is because there is sin in me. The sin of unbelief and of control. It is an idolatry problem of which I am chief. The only remedy is a healthy portion of the Truth of my greatest needs being met in Christ from the Word.
When I submit to His Word and to His Spirit and allow them to feed me, I begin to grow. When I satisfy my frustrations with the idolatry of my own heart, I starve.
"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts." Jer. 15:16
This memory floated back to me today because I was thinking of the ugly things that are in my heart. I have been starving myself again. God provides me with the choicest of food, His life-giving Truth to meet my hunger and my need, and I quickly run to those things that I believe will fulfill me without giving a second thought to the great Provider.
How often I (in a need for control) discard the nourishment that God has provided for me through His word. How often I turn my head (my heart) from His well balanced meal and clench my jaw and slam my lips together. How often I satisfy my needs for nourishment with things that don't actually feed me, but appease me. Sugary food that won't actually give me life-giving nutrients.
I have a dear friend who came to Jesus this year. I meet with her every week. Her desire for the good food is something that I am learning and growing from every time we are together. She has let go of relationships that are holding her back from growing in grace and she has asked the Spirit to change behaviors and even how she thinks about herself. She talks to Him everyday and she reads His Word to find the Truth about herself and about Her God. She has yielded to Christ and her life is blooming. Idolatry has been the main topic of our talks together and she said something to me last night that gave me pause. She spoke of the gentleness of the Spirit. She said she felt like her life was this great closet full of worthless junk. Similar to the closet of a hoarder. Packed with things that she felt would make her feel whole. She explained that the Spirt of God wasn't just ripping these things out of her hand. He knows she would freak. He was offering her Himself and in light of His love, these things display their lack of worth and she is finding herself more and more willing to hand them over to Him. I just LOVED that. I loved the trust there. The gentleness of God. The turning from worthless things. The satisfaction that is found in the love of our Creator. Just awesome.
I had to admit to her and to myself that I so often run to my unbelief that God will satisfy the achey parts of my heart. I believe the lie that other things, the love of people, a change in my circumstances will bring me happiness. I don't just believe it. I sit in the filth of it. I eat the sugary food. I feast on the emptiness.
I am thanking the Spirit today for this memory. As a pastor's wife I am bombarded every day with my sin. Yes, MY sin. It would be easy for me to attach my frustrations to others sin. It would be easy for me to justify myself based on the behavior of other people towards my family and my husband. But, the Word of God tells me that my sin is my greatest problem. I would much rather believe that if my circumstances would change, or if people would just be kinder, that I would be happier. The richness of the Word teaches me that the reason I am weary and anxious at times is because there is sin in me. The sin of unbelief and of control. It is an idolatry problem of which I am chief. The only remedy is a healthy portion of the Truth of my greatest needs being met in Christ from the Word.
When I submit to His Word and to His Spirit and allow them to feed me, I begin to grow. When I satisfy my frustrations with the idolatry of my own heart, I starve.
"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts." Jer. 15:16
Once again, a "feast" for the heart and soul, my dear daughter. How I love how you minister in your transparency, therefore allowing us to see ourselves in YOUR journey and walk in grace with you. God is so kind and gracious. I love you!
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