Cranberries and what they taught me about conflict, grace & laughter in relationships

I have the BEST hubby. He decided to make me breakfast in bed this morning ( now...lest you think for one millisecond this means lounging around well past 8...don't you dare judge me. Our kid was up at 5:45). He asked what I wanted for breakfast and I said that I would love some oatmeal with cranberries and a pinch of brown sugar. I noticed the wild look, the eyes flutter upwards to the ceiling but I thought, "Nah. He'll get it."A few minutes later he reapperared and presented to me a bowl full of chewy, watery oatmeal (you have to cook it?) and whole cranberries from the fridge (The whole ones. The ones that are the size of baby apples). We both laughed.
"I thought it was weird, but I was like...whatever. I knew I'd get it wrong!", he said. Wrong? Seriously? No. Day MADE.  In the future we have decided that he can just stick to making the coffee and being handsome.  Seeing that he's really good at both.

Thinking about the oatmeal thing this morning got me thinking about the way we communicate. God uses things like this to teach me because I am rather simple minded.

Relationships are tricky with communication. How often we think we are being really clear with those closest to us about our needs, our feelings, our fears and our joys. We leave these subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) clues for them to pick up on and we walk away feeling confident that we were heard and understood only to be disappointed down the road.  Most often the disappoint leads to bitterness and that is even trickier to manage in relationships and can create more chaos for us both.

Communication is tricky in relationships but mostly because of our expecations. So often in my marriage, in my relationship with my kids and even with my close friends and family, I find myself on either the side of disappointment at my unmet expectations or on the side of having disappointed those who thought they were super clear with me about their's.  There's the:"Whyyyy would they do that when they KNOW how much it bothers me?" or "Whyyyyy wouldn't they do this when they KNOW how much it means to me." And then there is the other side of:
"Whyyyy would they think I would intentionally hurt them?"or "I'm not a mind reader! What the heck is your problem?" *insert your favorites here*

It takes dedication to the relationship and a supernatural work to push past the feelings of unmet expectations and justification of behavior to be willing to "go there" with each other and teach each other or to be taught by each other. It is humbling, stretching, growing, beautiful and sanctifying work.

I know the pain of unmet expectations in relationships most of the time can be much more difficult than the wrong cranberries in your oatmeal. Hurt at the hands of parents, pastors, spouses, children and so-called friends can be brutal and I have lived through several worst-case scenarios too. There is truth though, that intentional grace towards those who might not have evil intentions towards you; some clarification and some honesty with each other, and yes, even some laughter at the end of it can be so good for you when you missed something or when those who you love just don't "get it".

I am reminded of my Savior Jesus when I think of Someone who did this perfectly (thanks be to God for this gift because we can't do this perfectly!) towards me. The kicker in the jaw really is that He knows that my intentions are evil continually. He knows my fleshly heart is prone to seek my own happiness above a relationship with Him and personal holiness and yet He generously and liberally lavishes grace on me. I haven't met any righteous expectations that He has of my life and yet He forgave it and continually covers it with his perfection. HIs identity is mine now so I can be free to sit down with my husband, my kids, my friends, my parents and whoever and honestly listen when I have disappointed them.  The reason I can do this with an open heart and ears is because their disappointment in me isn't attached to my identity anymore. I can pursue the humble act of asking for forgiveness (even when the hurt was unintentional!)  because this isn't attached to my identity. I can tell my spouse, children, friends, my parents and whoever else that they have disappointed me when they have because I don't need to worry about being weak and vulnerable and maybe even wrong. He has given me His strength. He sees me as always having the right intentions because of Jesus' justifying work on my behalf. He has made it possible for restoration because He redeems the weak things. I don't have to be afraid of my friends, pastor, children or husband telling me that I got it all wrong because I am free to make mistakes and repent of my selfishness. The shift of my heart (because of the work of the Holy Spirit) is evidenced in the fact that I now welcome the healthy conflict. I want to have the tough conversation instead of being afraid of it. It helps me grow and my relationships to grow.

The challenge of loving people enough to "go there", giving people the benefit of the doubt, and being willing to hear that you might have it all wrong in your head is hard, disciplined work but it can open up a world of learning about yourself and about each other. More beautiful still? You will walk away with fresh eyes and a thankful heart for the way your Father has loved your intentional hurt and sin. What a gift for your own soul and for those who cross your life today.

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, gentle, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere ( THIS IS THE WAY HE LOVES US!) 
A harvest of righteousness is sown my those who make peace." James 3:16-18