Happiness is...

whew.

It has been a while since I have ventured onto here. I so often have sudden inspiration to write furiously on here and to put the thoughts SOMEWHERE...ANYWHERE but here in my cloudy little brain, but these last few months have been one giant whirlwind and to be honest, I often feel that I am days behind myself, just trying to catch up.

Our move to Broadalbin has been...precious. Sweet time with Jesus. Catching a glimmer of His purposes behind the wanderings. It is a gift to me to even catch a small sense of what God's big picture is. We are finding such joy in His presence and in His ways and in His people it is hard to explain fully. Even to myself. We are three months into our interim position at the church and I continue to ask for your prayers as we seek His face in all that we do.

A little over a month ago now, not long after coming to Broadalbin, I received a phone call from my mom that my dear grandfather was not expected to live much longer.

My heart kinda did a flip flop as I let that information sink in.

I understand that in this day and age, grandfather's don't really mean that terribly much to most. I also understand the rarity that our relationship was.

Upon hearing the news most people asked, "Are you close with him?" I understand the question, but I couldn't really put into words how to explain how close. How much his life effected me. How much I looked up to him and adored him. I couldn't find the words.

He was always just this giant to me. He was a man that loved Jesus and loved people and it really did go in that order. It made him truly love people because He loved Jesus so much. He loved me too. I have always known it. I knew that he prayed faithfully for me and for my husband and I knew that he was so thankful for all of his kids and grand kids and didn't take pride in them, but thanked God every day for them. He was a pastor, a camp director, mentor to countless young men and women, father, grandfather, great-grandfather and one incredible communicator. My life has been touched forever by his and I am eternally thankful for him.

In his death, was yet another gift. Certainly the gift of the hope and peace that he was with his savior, but also in a strange way, it was a gift for me to look back over his life and to reflect on the different ways that his life impacted mine and why. I wasn't able to go to his funeral, but I have been able to celebrate his life here on my own and that has been a gift too.

There were rides on his three wheeler at camp, listening to him recite Luke 2 ever Christmas, afternoon naps at camp when I would comb his hair till he was snoring so loudly I would have to leave with my giggling cousins, camp meetings, helping me with homework, walks with him at our farm where he would throw sticks for our little white dog that he called,"white fox",cozy winter evenings, my baptism at the Gitchee Gumee beach...the list goes on an on. There are a few memories however, that literally CHANGED me. My mother said that at his funeral, many testimonies were shared of how he lived his life in such a way that it naturally affected those around him. That he often didn't know the way that he was mentoring. I happen to love that about him. From a very early age, I can recall this type of mentor ship in my own life.

Like the way that he loved my grandmother. He loved her and cherished her greatly and deeply. I will never forget the summer when I was in a camp meeting with them, I was a teenager.The missionary was speaking on the day that he gave his wife her diamond ring. I am sure it had something to do with the topic that he was speaking on, but all I can remember is my grandfather reaching over and grabbing my grandmother's weathered hand and kissing it. She never looked at him but a smile touched her lips. I can remember loving the fact that after all the years they were married (They were married 71 years), that they still loved each other that much. They were a true team in every sense of the word. You couldn't be in the room with them and not sense and feel that love that they had for one another. It was electric in the purest of ways possible. Witnessing that kind of love is something that leaves a distinct mark on one's life, and it did for me. I know that watching the way that he cared for her set the standard very high for me when I was looking for a husband.

In fact, when it came time to marry Rob, there was only one person that I knew had to have a role in my wedding. I am so thankful that he was able to give the charge to us on one of the best days of my life. A few years ago while they were down in Florida for the winter, Rob asked them how they met. I had heard their story many times, but I always loved to hear them tell it because my grandmother's eyes would sparkle and my grandfather would look younger and would giggle at her while she told it.

There are countless others, and I have enjoyed replaying some of those happy ones over and over in my mind as I have worked through the reality of life on earth here without him.

But, most recently, I have not been able to get out of my mind a memory that perhaps has come to mean the most to me. It is important to where I am in life right now and it is crucial to let its impact take root deep in my heart.

The entire family: sons, daughters, cousins, in-laws, great-grandchildren all gathered for a Hart Family Reunion in Eagle River, Michigan about four years ago. It was the last time I saw my grandparents together. I feel in my heart that I knew it would be. I think we all did somehow because it was quite a feat to get us all there, but we did it. That time will forever be one of my life's greatest highlights. We spent two weeks there enjoying each other, rejoicing in what God was doing in each of our lives, playing games, swimming, laughing, and just reflecting on the goodness of God. One afternoon, grandpa gathered all of the men together and said that he felt compelled to do something. He told them that he praised God every day that ALL of his children and grandchildren were serving the Lord. My cousin is a chaplain in the army, at least five are pastors and the others serve as missionaries or professors at a christian college. It is remarkable and we know it is God's goodness that has accomplished it all, but they ALL love Jesus. He apologized that he didn't have any worldly goods to leave behind to them, but he said, " I do have my books." His library. He went on to explain that he hadn't any use for it anymore, as those days of preaching and counseling and teaching were past for him, but it would give him great joy to know that his children and grandchildren would find use of them and to continue the work. We were all a bit moved beyond words. I sat with my grandpa that day as these men, all whom I love and I know love the Lord oohhed and awwed over his collection and his sermons. I held his hand as big tears dripped down his cheeks. It is a moment that I will never, ever forget. Moving story, yes, but what does it mean to me? How has this of late, resonated in me?

Someone asked me a few months ago if I felt that this next move would make me "happy". If we felt that this was what we kept searching for. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried my best to take it at face value. I don't judge them for the question. I understand how our path must look to some people. It looks like we are searching for some sort of happiness and significance. I understand that, as I have often asked myself if that is really what we are doing with all this moving around. I am settled on this, though. I do not ever, ever, ever want my life to be about being happy. Certainly, I desire to find comfort here on earth, but it is my greatest prayer that I will never loose the perspective that my life is not about me and it is not about having security and happiness in things or location or position, or...books. It is about loving Jesus and loving His people. My grandfather's life and so many others who have influenced me in my lifetime has made it impossible for me to settle for anything less. Although I long for life here on earth to bring me that satisfaction and that joy, I know,(even when I don't feel it) that my joy, true joy comes from being in His presence. It was what I was created to be, to do.

At the end of this old life, my prayer is that I can know that the investments I have made haven't been driven by a false sense or a fleeting desire for happiness, but that I would know with confidence that happiness is...the Lord. (sing it with me).

Thank you, Grandpa for living it, breathing it and believing it until your final day here. Can't wait to see you again.