What being the wife of a pastor has taught me about worship

March 20, 2017 Updated: March 6, 2026 WHAT BEING THE WIFE OF A PASTOR HAS TAUGHT ME ABOUT WORSHIP  There is always a sense of fear when you put your heart out there transparently as the wife of a pastor. More than ever before we are seeing some great strides in giving space and grace for the complexities of being the wife of a pastor.  Many ministries have popped up since the pandemic to give ministry wives and pastor wives resources, cohorts, and a place to safely share but, sadly, the statistics still reflect that those who serve beside their husbands in church and ministry often feel the most isolated and are among the loneliest in their churches. To share openly often doesn't help them because they fear being misunderstood, they are often blamed for causing dissension if they bring their concerns to anyone, warned of gossiping or being too sensitive. They can be further isolated by these accusations and drive them deeper into the feeling of "otherness" in regards to their place in the body of Christ.  We are called to gather with the body and so many pastor’s wives are no different than many of the other women who come to church looking for an opportunity to worship God and to do so with other weary and broken sinners who need a fresh look at Christ and the gospel. Often times though, it is these gatherings where they can feel the most vulnerable, alone and isolated from the body. There is a temptation to stop showing up, or to just be there in a physical way to not raise alarm and red flags and hurt their husband’s ministry, set a bad example for their children who might also be struggling under the weight of expectations and performance . Abuse of a pastor and his family happens. It is not widely spoken about, but being the victims of evil as a pastor and family happens more often than we know and much more often than they feel free to talk about. Evil in this case often takes the form of malicious gossip, slander or online vitriol. It can be a group of people gathering to discuss the pastor, his wife and their family or to raise “concerns” about him or his leadership, teaching and leading without him present. It can be a very subtle and can be justified as “concern”, but can often have devastating effects on the church body as well as a pastor and his family. How a pastor and his family are to navigate these sins against them can be difficult as it affects every area of their lives and livelihood and that the pastor is called to set a good example in their speech and conduct.  Turn on the news or any media platform and you will likely hear of another victim of the abuse of people connected to the Church. This is not God's design and it is not God's heart. We should never call abuse anything other than evil. Evil is hard to define and can't be based solely on behavior. The bible defines evil as destructive and devilish. It mimics the thief who has come to kill and steal and to destroy. Evil is also hard to define for us because we must admit to behaving in an evil way at times toward others. We hesitate to call other’s behavior evil when we know our own tendencies toward idolatry of the tongue and our motivations towards maliciousness. We should care for those who have fallen victim to the evil of others and we should desire to discipline ourselves to avoid idle chatter and dissentious clamor. The definitions for evil from the Word can be clearly defined as one who is observed to have repeated patterns of harm towards another. It is cold, and lacks sorrow when someone suffers. It is evidenced by emotional detachment and a deep belief that they are free to violate others for the sake of their own good.  This evil can take many forms and can be physical, emotional and spiritual. This kind of evil must be come under biblical discipline for the good of the soul and for the health of the body of Christ. Evil is nothing new as the devil throughout the Church's history has enacted his plan to destroy through people who masquerade as servants of God but who act according to the flesh and the devil. Paul’s letters are full of warnings of how to handle and how to properly protect the church from wolves who masquerade as sheep. He even at times went so far as to call out these people by name for the protection of the church and for the gospel to not be hindered.  There are of course pastors who are the culprit of many of these abuses we see in the Church today. This should grieve us as a community of believers. We should hold pastors and elders to the standards set in the the pastoral epistles to guard the body against those who abuse people for their own personal gain or who do not follow biblical principals when it comes to shepherding the flock of God. While we need to give space and give effort to appropriately deal with this kind of pastor according to the process laid out in the Word, often times we don't give enough attention to the pastor and his family that can suffer the same injustices. It is indeed a supernatural effort of mutual submission to the Spirit and to the Word to not become abusers on either side. We should be aware of our spiritual blindness and welcome the help of others who can snatch us from the fire of indulgent evil. Unique to a pastor and his family is that evil in the form of slander and dissension can affect their entire lives. When a group of people can destroy the character of the dependability of the pulpit, then his ministry in all aspects is over. It has impugned his ability to be trusted in preaching the Word, counseling, and leading the body. Often times it is just the option of others and putting together puzzle pieces that can destroy the integrity of a pastor. The pastor and his family not only live in community but often depend on the financial support of those they are called to serve and love. They are also called to speak strongly against people’s personal sin that easily devastates communities, homes and personal lives. When that message is not received , there is a great amount of damage, and even abuse as a result. When feelings are hurt in the process of giving the good gift of rebuke of sin, the hard hearted can easily turn on the pastor as the messenger. Evil is not a respecter of persons- and pastors and their families often are victims of gossip, slander and public shame without the biblical process and care that are laid out so clearly in the pastoral epistles. Gossip destroys church communities faster than any other sin. I have heard the stories and I have experienced these evils first hand. It is one of the most devastating things to witness or to walk through. In every human relationship, we will most likely endure at times painful and stretching seasons where love is tested and often forged or broken. We do not have churches full of perfect people. We have churches filled with idol worshipers who get blind to their own sin, stuck in their sinful patterns and oblivious to the way their sin affects those around them. This is the complexity of being in any family, but can be disillusioning and deeply hurtful.  I have walked through painful seasons in relationships in the Church, as I am sure you have. In church ministry specifically, these seasons in the Church have taught me something eternally valuable. It is how to worship. These seasons have forced me to ask the question of what I worship, who I am worshiping and why. It has exposed idolatry in my life. Areas and sin leans where I was depending on something other than God to be my source of joy and desires and areas where I was vying for control. It has been embarrassing to me. It has humbled and awakened me to my ongoing need for appreciation and love outside of what is offered in my relationship with Christ. It has unhinged my heart from people being my source and my security for love and acceptance and it has had me crawling back to One who never leaves, never changes His mind about me or His opinion (because of Christ) and who is committed to me until the end.   Allowing the Spirit's influence here has brought about in my life in its truest and purest forms, the grace to walk through these hurtful seasons and still love the Church and the ultimate gift of looking a little more like the Son.    I believe that most of the women who serve as ministry wives of as pastor's wives would tell you that they love the Church. If you have served any length of time in a church body, you know that this has been tested. If they are still serving and belonging to a gathered and numbered body of believers-trust me... they love it. I can tell you that I love the Church. I believe in it because Jesus died for it. I trust the ministry of the body because the Word tells me that its function is God's heart on display and  is a part of the plan to usher in the Kingdom.   I love the church and the people in it.   God has called us to gather, to love each other and to function as a body for the furtherance of the gospel and to primarily gather to worship Him in unity and in peace. How do we do this as messy people who are admittedly capable of doing harm, even the occasional evil to each other? How do we worship alongside those in the Church who have hurt us with their sin?  As the wife of a pastor I am not unlike others who gather in a body. I am faced with the task of acknowledging my feelings, but taking those feelings and giving them to God, acknowledging His character and the truth in the midst of these painful seasons. There is always an attribute to cling to, always a promise that He offers and always His gentle patience with us in the process. This is the job of all believers and modeled throughout the book of Psalms. There are significant differences that separate pastor's and ministry wife from others who gather for worship that threatens to make us feel that "otherness" more significantly. We need the gospel to help us know the right steps to follow to honor God, to love our husbands well, to set a good example as people watch us, and to love others while still being authentic worshipers.  My first thought on Sunday morning is for my husband. The light on his side of the bed is always the first one on and he is always in the Word with a cup of coffee. His first thought is of the people he under-shepherds, and he is having his devotions. I hear him sigh when he gets up. I know his burdens. He tells me often that the time before he preaches are some of the biggest battles of the mind for him. There is a weightiness to this calling that hits like insecurity and anxiety before He will teach. I know how much he loves and believes in the Church. There are personal sacrifices made to serve her and to feed her.I hear his prayers for the Holy Spirit to continue to work in him.  He knows that He didn’t die for her, He knows the Great Shepherd is leading and guiding, but he also knows the task that has been given to him to under-shepehrd her. He doesn’t take this lightly, and because he doesn’t, the burden can be heavy. He is quiet on Sunday morning because he feels that more than any other day of the week. To then hear him preach the Word with power that I know as a witness comes directly from the Holy Spirit astonishes me every time. When I hear how people are growing, learning and excited  about what they are gleaning from the Spirit through his teaching I rejoice!  I get a front row seat to the astonishing work of the Spirit in his as he teaches and through him as he leads people and loves them to understand the Word and grow deeper in worship.I am a close witness to the work of the Spirit like few others.  I also am close enough to hear and witness the criticism, hardness, slander and even at times abuse at the hands of others.  This is hard for anyone to witness, but as a wife who sees it all it can be extremely difficult to say the least. To complicate things further, just by nature of being married to a pastor you can suffer the brunt of other’s opinions and dislike of your husband. People you considered friends and even closer like family can change their opinions, their presence and even their support of you so quickly. You can be cut off and slandered without any knowledge of what went awry. This can sadly affect every area of your life as you live in community with people. Passing people in the hallway at church (and even more uncomfortable), when you are out at a store or an event. A pastor’s wife’s community can evaporate overnight for doing nothing other than being married to a pastor or minister. There is the ambiguity of sudden coldness, a shift in sharing or closeness and the effects can happen as James says like a fire. I have been in the position where I have overheard people whispering about him in the church hallway when they didn't see me. It is one of the most uncomfortable situations to be in to be sure. One scenario left me confused as it was close friends who were sharing personal details of my life with others to prove a point that they were making. What brings conflict to the heart of the many pastor’s wives who walk through this kind of personal betrayal are that they hear the prayers of their husbands for these very people. It is a conflict of the heart and can easily make a pastor’s wife feel alone, scared to trust anyone, and to have a tendency to be cynical of people who pursue them.   Pastor’s wives must also try to sing worship songs and keep sin out of their heart in corporate worship- singing of God’s goodness and His grace in the same proximity of those who acknowledge the grace and ministry of Jesus with their lips while sinning against them. It’s confusing and if left unchecked can make you not want to come to church. Its too confusing and it feels fake and forced.  Sitting close enough to see eyes closed, hands raised and hearing them give hearty " amens” wounds the heart rather than encourages it.    Where do they put the feelings of hurt and betrayal? There are hours spent for a pastor in giving counsel, personal money, care for their families and children, hospital visits, laughing and breaking bread around their dinner table, grieving when loved ones pass, funerals, weddings, birthdays, sports games and the every day life on life that pastors are called to. Where do the feelings of hurt and betrayal go when these people can just so easily walk away. Who do you ask these questions to? When is it okay to defend yourself or explain yourself? As a pastor’s wife you watch this play out for a man you respect and admire and the injustice can feel like a brick on your chest. Most often the pastor’s wife has been a part of most of these life moments with congregations and that time and investment can feel like a waste of time and the betrayal can leave deep wounds on a soul.  Who can you cry out to when you hear of people you have loved have spent time instead of breaking bread together in fellowship and praise, have spent this precious time whispering about your husband behind closed doors, tearing apart his character and questioning his motives? What do pastor’s wives do with the feelings of injustices and misunderstandings that have turned into character assessments and assassinations? What do you do and who can you talk to when you are voiceless? Who can you ask to stand up for someone who stands up for everyone else? What do you do and who do you tell when the one who has fought for them to not suffer evil is now the victim of evil? As the wife of a pastor in these moments, I will be truthful and say that my focus is on the desire to see justice for him. I want an advocate. I want someone to fight for him. Is there something I can do to make them see their sin? What can I say to prove his quality?  Who will stand up for him that won't be questioned as being prejudiced? I go often through a million scenarios in my mind of how to explain things better, or help them understand clearer. Couldn't I just shout it from the rooftops how much it hurts? Pastor’s wife,I see you in this and I feel you. There is a place to pour out your hearts to the God who not only cares about these injustices but empathizes with us. The Spirit whispers for us to remember Jesus. When I look at Jesus… I see my sin and then the acknowlegment that I don’t, in fact, measure up. I remember how He loved me at my darkest- how He still loves me in my weak moments of sin. I remember how He took the wrath that I justly deserve. I remember that the scriptures say that everyone who was faithful to Him, even those who said that they would rather die with Him before they denied Him, did just that. They ran. They left him.  I remember how easily I do that too...even when I know what He has done for me.  I live in the freedom of His grace and mercy every day and how easily I run to my idols of the heart. How quickly I forget His love is enough and how quickly I abandon all the richness of that love for temporary satisfaction. I remember that God sees my husband and he sees all of his best attempts at pastoring as filthy rags. God then looks at Jesus and His perfect pastoring, and then Jesus, my husband's lawyer, sitting at the right hand of His father says, "He has my record of perfect righteousness." and God is satisfied. He is like a proud daddy. He is satisfied with Rob because of Jesus.  I remember that my standard for righteousness doesn't meet God's perfection and I am thankful that my husband can preach the Word, believe it, and live it at all because of Jesus.  When I remember our sin and remember Jesus, my heart begins to beat with thankfulness.  I know that we are undeserving of love. I am far worse than I would like to believe. Now, as I pass those people on Sunday morning,  as I hear the whispers, see the folded arms, hear how they are speaking of us in their circles, my heart has a choice. Look to them to fill my need for approval, or will it be flooded with remembrance. I have a choice to have communion right there.  He loved me and loves me with a steadfast love. “What can man do to me?” can be our next thought.  My desire for people to like my husband, appreciate him,  and follow him is what Jesus died for. The sin of pride and arrogance and the idolatry of self-love are my biggest problems.  When I see myself for how I truly am, there isn't any room left to judge anyone else. What's left in my heart is just thankfulness.  Jesus knew my idolatry and died for the punishment it deserved. He was raised victorious and my position is with Him. My sin was left in that borrowed tomb and left there. Now, instead of the delusion that Rob and I are deserving of admiration and glory, I remember I deserve death.  I am flooded with a compassion and a mercy for the Church that is not coming from me because the truth is that we are the same. My husband, for all of his wonderful qualities, does not deserve their love. He deserves hell.  And the desire for justice for him has not been answered, praise God.   Jesus took what my husband deserved.  We all stand guilty and at the mercy of God and covered by His righteousness.  I make intentional effort to forgive and to still show up and to serve because I remember that Jesus did this, does this and will continue to do it forever for me. And when I am in heaven with Him, He will still be serving me and advocating for me and He will be the only one with scars. I am a recipient of the servant leadership of Jesus. He washes the feet the unfit and the enemy. He tells us to do likewise. The Church is here to make Jesus beautiful, not me.  He is the Savior. If I am looking for people to acknowledge my worth then I am preaching to myself that what God thinks of me isn't enough. Each thought must be made obedient to Christ. Each thought must go through the grid of the gospel. As much as I wish the list of my struggles and my sin would start to grow shorter as I grow older, the list actually gets longer. Maybe this is a grace too. I need to see my sin as my biggest problem. It is humbling. It is embarrassing. It is weak. But, the way my heart grows in thankfulness for how God loves me when I am messy is purest worship. And isn’t this the joy of corporate worship after all. To gather together and sing of God’s grace and His love with other messy people who who don't always treat each other with the kindness of Jesus but who stand as grateful recipients of it.  If the Church continues to be a place where I see my sin then keep me there. Rub me the wrong way. Show me the complexities of my dark heart. This will keep me grateful, humbled and broken, contrite and full of thanks before the Lord who deserves all the praise. a