Love your enemies...do good...pray

"You have heard it said , 'You shall love your nieghbor and hate your enemy, But, I say to you, love your enemies, do good to those who use you and to pray for those who persecute you so that you may be sons of Your Father who is in heaven...for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?’ Matthew 5

  About 80% of my time meeting with people as a pastor's wife and as a life coach in my church is striving together to come up with a healthy understanding of how to obey the command of Jesus in this passage of Matthew 5. They are coming to me mostly because they have conflict in their hearts as theydon't know what to do when they have been wronged or hurt and they have a desire to honor God’s word and His commands to love and forgive. When we read the scriptures together, specifically this one, there is always a visceral reaction.  I feel it with them as it feels wrong and weighty (nearly impossible). Especially if you have been the victim of egregious sin and evil at the hands of another. 

The conflict is obvious.

 If we love God, we are to obey His commands to love others as we have been loved, forgive as we have been forgiven and to not seek vengeance, and there is no arguing with the command by Jesus here in Matthew 5.  But how do we love, forgive and pursue an evil person and fulfill the law of Christ without further allowing abuse and toxic behaviours in our own life? 

This is always the next question and it is a good one that makes room for deep and rich gospel orthodoxy and orthopraxy. First, it is important for the context of this conversation to define what the Word calls “evil”. We run the risk of calling anyone “evil” or our “enemy” that we have conflict with or we don't like. It can often be very difficult to discern between someone who has an evil heart and an ordinary sinner who isn't perfect and who, like us, is battling weaknesses and sin. We can also have a hard time believing that there are truly evil people who exists that have no conscience, no remorse when they hurt someone, and can easily ruin someone's reputation while pretending they are committed to the gospel of Christ.  And yet, the Bible speaks of these people often. While our human hearts are indeed inclined toward sin (Romans 3:23) and even evil (Gen. 8:21; James 1:4) and we know that we fall short of God's perfection in all of our relationships, we must be wise to discern that there are in fact those who behave radically different from those who battle transgressions and even hidden sins.  The scripture helps us to see that there is in fact a distinction and it greatly comes down to those who feel no shame and guilt over their sin and those who are unwilling to repent and who do not seek to restore a relationship over winning and argument. 

Evil people, those that David in Psalm 139 says "I count them my enemies", are distinguished by creating confusion and contention, twisting facts, misleading, lying, avoiding taking responsibility for their actions (gaslighting), withholding information vital to context, craving and demanding control and their elevating their authority as supreme. Evil people often will demand mercy but give none, demand warmth but withhold closeness if there isn't "loyalty".  They have no real evidence of godly fruit and growth and reject feedback and accountability and reject self-correction and repentance. They expect forgiveness, warmth and intimacy from those they have hurt and often masquerade as someone of noble character. They expect mercy and grace but do not extend it. They have no intention of building back broken trust or making amends but only desire to be right and respected above all  (Psalms5:8 10:7, 58:3, 109:2-5, 140:2, Proverbs6:13,14, 12:13, 16:20, 16:27, Micah 2:1, Matthew12:34, Acts 6:11-13, 2 Peter 3:16, Romans 2:8,1:30, Jude 1:4 1:8-16, 2 Corinthians 11:13-15). [1]

This command to love our enemy and the evil person and “to do good” to them is a challenge in our world for so many obvious reasons. Each relationship has so many different complexities that it can be so hard to just apply this verse to every relationship in the same way and hope that it works. Adding to the complexity is that it can be difficult for even the trained counselor to discern between good and evil- as evil can often pretend to be good (Heb. 5:14)  It takes time in the Word, processing with others, and most essential is listening to what the Spirt teaches us so that we are not fooled by those who would have us believe that we are the ones being unloving, unforgiving and intolerant. We need godly wisdom and we need to be actively listening to Him to drown out the teaching of the world that will have us swing like a pendulum between passive acceptance and becoming unloving and evil ourselves. 

In his book, “Bold Love"*,  Dr. Dan Allender lays out a definition for forgiveness as this:

"Forgiveness is a continuing process of hungering for restoration and beauty, revoking revenge and offering good gifts". [2]

He goes on to explain that forgiveness is a non-negotiable for the believer, but that reconciliation cannot happen until there is repentance-done with clarity and with conviction.  Repentance (an admittance of sin and a change in direction) will manifest as:

1. A willingness to admit the sin they have done to you

2. A willingness to not violate healthy boundaries that you have set in the future

3. A negotiated agreement about what the relationship will look like going forward (both in heart and behaviour)

I never  encourage forgiveness and forgetfulness when there has been no evidence of repentance and change. Reconciliation without change isn't love. It's manipulation and a performance to keep peace or to keep up appearances. Proverbs said, "Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips" (Proverbs 29:18) 

Dr. Allender explains that giving "good gifts" to our enemy is not defined as allowing the abuse or the sin to continue (this isn't love) and that abiding change can not occur if the problems in the relationship are superficially swept under the carpet as evil will never stop unless it's held accountable and faced with righteousness.  The Bible warns us of this saying:

"But when grace is shown to the wicked, they do not learn righteousness, even in a land of uprightness they go on doing even and not regard the majesty of the Lord (Is.26:10)

We see this as well from passages that help us see the Spirit's job to correct and to convict us (John 18:8).

 Evil doesn't believe it is evil- as we are prone to believe that we are actually good (Eph.4:18). Our hearts are darkened and bent to believe ourselves as good and to justify our own sinful patterns and behaviors.  “Good gifts” then are "wounds from a friend”(Prov.37:6) that come from a desire to restore and bring back beauty to the evil person's heart, to illuminate and give the good gift of sight where there is blindness (Ps.19:12-13) , and to offer a "competing passion" that gives the evil person a taste of what the soul was meant to enjoy.  Love makes room for repentance. In meekness it corrects those who "oppose themselves" so that "God might give them repentance...so they can escape the devil's snare" (2 Tim.2:25-26). While we know that change cannot occur without the work of the Spirit, we must recognize our role and the part we play in seeing change in their heart occur. The ultimate good gift we offer in forgiveness is the desire for the evil person to experience beauty through the gospel and the hope of heaven (ultimate beauty restored). We can love someone best by hating the evil that keeps them from this beauty, and truly desiring that they would experience it themselves, while keeping in check our own motives. The motive can't be that I want the relationship restored for my own benefit, my own vindication, convenience or pleasure (though there will be benefits)-our desire must be singularly what is for the good of the soul of the evil person: to be brought back to beauty.  

So, if Jesus said that we are to do good to those who do evil to us-how do we do this? How does this flesh out?

 Good gifts can be:

1. Loving Confrontation (Eph 4::15)

2. Setting parameters or boundaries 

3.Holding the tension of warmth (through prayer) and strength when those boundaries are violated

 When evil is caught in the act, a good gift is to confidently and calmly (even if you're voice shakes) restate the parameters or acceptable human response and then warn them on the consequences of the violation. Relationships can not thrive and flourish without a clear consequence when evil is done. 

  

Jeremiah Burroughs said, "The peacemaker does not abandon truth-he adorns it with charity." 

 It is neither loving or safe to cover over evil. When there has been a violation, the most loving thing you can do is to speak it or embody the boundary. You can do this through an email, a phone call, a letter, face to face and even through a text message.  I always encourage following the steps laid out in Matthew 18 when dealing with a believer and always with the desire for closeness restored and conflict resolved. Be clear on the violation, be clear on your expectations and your desire for closeness through accountability and be clear that your desire is for their good and your mutual thriving. All of this should be done in a spirit of gentleness and directness. Reconciliation can happen immediately if there is a commitment to being mutually open to deal with sin. Often you will know right away, if not soon after, if the person you are in conflict with or who has done evil to you is committed to you and to the Lord.  Without that commitment, the same destructive patterns will repeat itself over and over and over again causing more destruction and more pain for all and more conversations should follow and according to the steps in Matthew 18 and due to the gravity of certain situations, some confrontations will require more than quiet confrontation. Sometimes the evil being done needs more wisdom and more accountability and should be disclosed to a larger group or the abuse will continue and potentially hurt others.  When evil is exposed and the abuser is not willing to be confronted and  brought into accountability you can call it what the Bible calls it- that is evil.  A humble person will always in some form or fashion show a desire for restoration and a willingness to change behaviors for the sake of the health of the relationship. This is evidence of true reconciliation in our relationship with Christ too as we surrender to Him and our need for His righteousness. 

We often avoid this approach to loving our enemy, and would rather ghost them, seek revenge, retaliate, slander or simply continue to allow the abuse to happen because we know there might be a bigger and wider evil done to us. This often manifests itself through gossip and misunderstandings or further abuse in various forms.  As difficult as this can be, and as real as those fears are, we have directives from the Word that couldn't be more contrary to avoidance, gossip and slander (Romans 12:18-20, Matthew 5:38-40).

For some of us, it is the idea of being misrepresented or misunderstood that is like cryptonite. We can't imagine our reputation being damaged so we manage the relationship to keep them happy or quiet. Another reason we often avoid loving and evil person with these "good gifts" is that we don't want to lose the relationship. The idea of being alone or lonely frightens us and we are so fearful of abandonment that we will put up with any of the evil abuse to keep from being alone.  Finally, a reason for avoidance of the pursuit of loving and evil person this way is that we are afraid of the doubt and the guilt that so naturally comes into our hearts. We feel evil ourselves and start to wonder if we are being cruel and mean. This can often be driven further into our hearts from well-meaning family and friends who don't see the whole picture or know the depths of the evil. We feel guilty-so we give in. 

The truth is that when we make the choice to give these "good gifts" to our enemy we will very likely face the natural consequence of being questioned by others and our own hearts. This is why we need the Word of God to inform us and not our feelings or the opinions of others. 

I encourage taking a long time before acting on anything and to have older, wiser godly counsel in your ear constantly. This kind of "good gift" to an evil person should never be done rashly or in a moment of anger or even after just a few interactions and it should always be done with the desire and the intent of having a fully restored relationship. Hope believes that this can happen and we should also follow Jesus' command here to pray faithfully for this person that they would come back into our lives; much like the prodigal son, and that we would always keep our hearts soft and open and desiring for our relationship to be restored. If this is hard for you, that is okay. It is a goal to reach for and a command to obey that the Spirit will help us with if we are weak. He will pray too, which is just an added bonus.

When we get to this point in our conversation, many of the people I speak to will say to me that they are deeply afraid of what this evil person will do.  It's so much harder when it is a spouse, a parent, a child or a close friend and the idea of confrontation and the ensuing results just brings fear. It is here that we talk about the gospel, because it is SO good. Any evil that bounces back at us from giving the good gifts of truth, boundaries and consequences  will only gives us a greater opportunity to shine like lights in this dark world; to showcase what the gospel has done in us...anchoring us. The gospel, when it takes root gives us our identity in Him. We get to prove that God has satisfied our need for approval from others and that He is enough. 

Most of the time when you love a person this way it's like shining a light in their eyes when they have already adjusted to the darkness. It is painful for them and when people are hurt they typically want to hurt you. This is where we are tempted to either cave or to seek vengeance. But, when we are inevitably treated cruelly, spoken of maliciously to others, misunderstood by our friends and family who perhaps don't agree with our approach- we can choose to lean our full weight against God, our Rock and our Redeemer. We can remember the forgiveness that God has forgiven of us of all the atrocities of evil we have done to our Creator.  We can be living testimonies that God is enough, that sin ruins everything and that God is the restorer of all things beautiful through the sacrifice of His son. We can smile genuinely, we can weep openly, and we can be reminded daily that we are not abandoned, we are kept. We are not forsaken, we are bought and we are not alone- He is always with us. We can be quiet and we can turn our hurt to Him. He will comfort and He will heal us. This is an opportunity to proclaim the gospel through our weakness and through the brokenness. He will one day make it all untrue and bring ultimate healing to every broken thing and every broken relationship. 

 God gives us as wayward, evil, prone- to- wander children the good gifts of his mercy and his justice. He doesn't run away, ghost us or talk about us behind our back (only if to tell everyone how crazy He is about us), He always pursues us with goodness and mercy, He always desires for us to return. He gives us the good gifts of removing the blinders so we can see our sin while telling us that we are loved and welcomed back when we turn from our evil ways and run in paths of righteousness. He gives us a clear path to repentance and reconciliation and boundaries that are for our good and thriving, and he did all the work through his Son.  

Jesus did that work of restoration, we do the work of repentance.

 Let us go and love likewise. 

25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4

[1]Vernick, Leslie, Five Indicators of An Evil Heart,https://leslievernick.com/blog/five-indicators-of-a-evil-heart/

[2]Allender, Dan. Bold Love. Wounded Heart Ministries.1992